Arthur: Last Days of High School
by Craig Sterling
Summary: Arthur and his friends are days away from graduating from high school. Who knows what kind of adventures they'll have? With mockery, sarcasm, and ridiculous teenage fun, this story will touch anybody who has gone through those last days of senior year. Rated M: pervasive language, crude and sexual humor/references, and teen partying.
1. Chapter 1

CHAPTER 1: The Last Moments

Arthur put down his pencil and carefully looked over his work. 149 bubbles were filled on the standardized test paper. Only 1 more to go. He skimmed over to the packet of chemistry questions as a loud anthem rang in his mind: "One last question and I'm done with high school!" Arthur's eyes went to the bottom of the last page, where question #150 ominously stood. He read the question slowly. _Which of the following is not a halogen element?_ The given choices were

fluorine

chlorine

astatine

xenon

Arthur leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes in deep concentration. "Let's see…I know fluorine and chlorine are halogens…," he thought to himself, then he eyed C and D. "What the heck is astatine? I've never even heard of it! And xenon? Isn't that a Disney character from the 90s? No wait, that's Zenon. Or is it?" Arthur's mind raced as he tried to scan his memory bank from the whole year of chemistry. There was so much to remember, all thanks to Mrs. Henderson…she was probably the hardest teacher since he had Mr. Ratburn in the 3rd grade. "Shit…" he muttered in annoyance.

Buster, with his large and sensitive ears, heard Arthur and turned to look at him from a few desks away. Arthur met eyes with his best friend since childhood. "What?" Arthur said with his silent lips. "I'm only half way done!" Buster lipped back. His face was painted with horror and panic. Arthur sighed and shook his head. "If Buster fails this thing, he's gonna flunk chemistry and have to repeat senior year," he thought to himself.

Buster glanced at the clock. 2:58pm. Only two minutes left on the exam, and he was barely halfway through! "Ahh! I can't do it! I can't do it!" Buster exclaimed out loud as he stood up. Everyone looked at him, and a few chuckles murmured across the classroom. "Buster, you have enough time to answer one more question, now sit down and be quiet!" Mrs. Henderson hissed. "No!" Buster retorted in defiance. "I am done with this stupid exam and this stupid class!" He walked over to the teacher's desk and set the answer sheet down. "Here, Mrs. Henderson, take my bubble sheet," he said with a smirk, and then turned to the class. "Buster Baxter is done with high school, bitches!" he hollered, and triumphantly walked out the door. Mrs. Henderson, and her students, stared as Buster strolled down the hall.

"He's screwed now," Arthur whispered to Francine, who sat next to him. Francine nodded in agreement. "Arthur! Quiet!" snapped Mrs. Henderson. Arthur looked at the clock: 2:59pm. Only one more minute, and he still hadn't figured out the last question! "You know what? I don't care. I'm done too," he thought, as he filled in the C bubble. He looked over the massive packet of questions. Electronegativity, solubility, orbitals…too much chemistry for the last day of high school! 30 seconds, 29 seconds…Arthur looked around the classroom. Most of his classmates were still frantically working. A breeze then blew into the room from the nearby open window. The smell of summer filled Arthur's nose as he turned to admire the beauty outside. A clear blue-sky day. Sun shining. No more school for several months. 10, 9, 8…Arthur looked at the clock with a smile on his face. 3, 2, 1…RRIIINNNGGG. The bells out in the hall blasted sounds of magnificent freedom.

"Alright, class, everyone put their pencils down. Please bring up your bubble sheets in an orderly fashion," ordered Mrs. Henderson. Every student energetically got up from their desks and half-threw their sheets on the teacher's desk. "I said 'orderly'!" Mrs. Henderson barked. No one listened. Most of the class, like a wild herd of animals, poured out of the chemistry class room. "We are done with high school!" "Hell yes, we out, baby!" "Letttsss go!" Cries of joy avalanched across the hallways. Arthur hurried to his locker, which was next to Buster's. Buster was already busy cleaning out his locker. A massive pile of random school supplies was by his feet.

"Hey Arthur, how 'bout that exam, huh? Pretty intense," Buster said with a smile.

Arthur laughed. "Buster, you made my semester when you said that stuff to Henderson."

"She made that class too hard," Buster stated. "I don't need to do another lab report ever again." He stuck his head in his locker. "Nope, that's everything."

Arthur bent down and looked at Buster's belongings. "You never even used half this crap," he said as he picked up a protractor, ruler, and ball bearings. Buster just chuckled. "My mom wanted me to do well in my last semester of high school, so she bought me all this stuff and thought it would help,"

"Ball bearings?" Arthur asked. "For physics class," responded Buster, as he bent down and surprisingly managed to pick up all his stuff.

"Buster, you slept in physics almost every day," said someone from the behind the two friends. It was Brain.

"Whatever, Brain. That class was almost as boring as chemistry," Buster said as he mimicked a yawn.

"Boring? Physics is not boring! And neither is chemistry! They are both excellent fields to explore," Brain said defensively.

"Easy for you to say, you're going to double major in physics and chemistry in college, right?" Asked Arthur. He took a step away from Buster. Buster looked like he was struggling to hold onto all the things in his arms.

"Correct, Arthur," Brain stated. "And let me tell you, college is going to be great! We actually get to learn from people with Ph.D.'s!" He smiled and stared off into space, as if fantasizing about future academics. Buster laughed. "You have fun living in the library and studying 24/7, Brain!"

Brain snapped out of his daydreaming. "I enjoy doing that. Have fun partying all the time. C's get degrees, Buster," he joked, and walked off.

"Man, I still can't believe Brain got into Crown City University. That's one of the best schools in the country!" Arthur said.

"Arthur, it's the Brain. The guy is a walking baby of an encyclopedia and a calculator," said Buster. "Come on, let's get out of this crummy place," he added. "Hold on, let me grab my stuff," Arthur told his friend. He reached into his locker and pulled out several books, papers, and some notebooks. Buster looked disgusted. "Yuck! Throw that shit away, man! It's making me nauseous!" The two laughed, and walked down the hallway and out through the main doors.

As the sunlight beamed down on Arthur and Buster, they stopped and looked around. Students were running to their cars and bikes and speeding away. Couples hugged and kissed. Friend groups stood around and talked about their summer plans. A few kids were smoking and drinking from a suspicious can. Everyone, especially the seniors, was thrilled to be done with another chapter in their lives.

"Arthur! Buster!"

The two looked towards the parking lot. "Get your asses over here!" yelled Francine in a joking manner. Her and Muffy were standing outside Muffy's limo. Arthur and Buster ran over to them. Buster dropped many school supplies along the way, but just left them on the ground. "What's up, guys?" asked Arthur.

"You know what's up, Arthur Read." Said Francine. "Yeah, it's my last day of high school party!" added Muffy. Arthur and Buster's faces lit up. "I totally forgot! I was studying so hard for that chemistry final it musta slipped my mind!" said Arthur. "What time does it start?" asked Buster. "It doesn't start for another three hours, but you guys are welcome to come to my house and hang out until then," said Muffy.

"Will there be lots of food?!"

"Yes, Buster, my daddy hired a catering business to bring in five-star cuisine," Muffy said proudly. Buster's knees almost buckled. "If there is a God, he must have heard my prayers," Buster exclaimed as he dramatically looked up at the sky.

"Alright, everybody! Into the limo! This is going to be a party you will never forget!" Muffy proclaimed, as the four climbed into the luxury vehicle.

"Bailey, home please." Chimed Muffy.

"Yes, Miss Muffy," replied the butler.

As the car drove out of the parking lot, Muffy leaned over to a side compartment next to her seat. She pressed a button, and a lid automatically slid open. She put her hand into the compartment, and pulled out a bottle of liquor.

"We gotta get this party started off on the right foot," Muffy said with excitement. The other three cheered. "Arthur, we are gonna get so trashed tonight!" Buster whispered. Arthur was anticipating a good night of partying. It had been a long, grueling year of school.

"Buster, I think you're pretty damn right," Arthur said.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2: Pre-Party Discussions

The limousine, with hip hop music blasting, pulled up to the Crosswire mansion. Bailey hurried to open the door for Muffy and her guests. All four of them had managed to drink the whole bottle by the end of the car ride. Buster, as suspected by the others, consumed a large majority of it. Several caretakers were manicuring the lawn and decorative bushes. A gardener was humming softly while weeding out the flower beds.

"Muffy, I've been to your place a million times, and it never ceases to impress me," complimented Buster. He said that already before pulling up to the home, but the alcohol had done him good.

Muffy smiled with delight, even though she just heard his compliment a minute before. "Of course, this is a Crosswire home. Only for the best of the best." She led her three friends to the front door and cleared her throat. Bailey opened the door and they all walked in. The front hall was decorated with large paintings, exotic vases, and lavish rugs.

"I bet that chandelier is worth more than my whole house," said Arthur as he viewed the marvelous piece hanging from the vaulted ceiling. Thousands of crystals and gems hung delicately from the main stem. There was also gold lining around the bottom, where a massive pretty stone hung from a silver chain.

"My daddy won it at an auction a few weeks ago. It came from a palace in Germany. He said it will be mine one day when I inherit our fortune," Muffy declared.

"Just how much did your dad pay for it?" asked Francine with a disgusted look on her face.

"Let's just say your parents could never afford such luxuries, Francine," responded Muffy as she led the group up the main stairwell. Francine's face went sour.

"Hey Muffy?"

"Yes, Francine?"

"Shut the hell up."

"Sigh…alright fine, I take it back."

The four friends entered Muffy's bedroom. A grand king-size bed sprawled out in the middle of the large room. A fireplace stood on one side, and a larger-than-life TV hung from the opposite wall. Bailey knocked on the door frame.

"Miss Muffy, would you and your guests prefer food or drink to start the pre-party?"

"Get us some chips and dip," commanded Muffy. "Oh, and Bailey? Can you do me a really big favor and go to the store to get us some booze? Beer and wine too for the softies."

Bailey rolled his eyes, but had the same expression on his face. "Yes, Miss Muffy," and he walked off, wondering if Mr. Crosswire would fire him for buying an underage Muffy lots of alcohol. If truth be known, Mr. Crosswire really didn't care if Muffy drank, because how could his little Muffin do any wrong? Unfortunately for Bailey, he was not aware of this startling fact.

"Okay gang, what should we do first? We could watch Emmie Walson's new movie, Beauty and the Ugly. Emmie was in Henry Skreever, and she was so adorable! I bet she's terrific in this one too!" Said Muffy as she turned on the flat-screen TV.

"Alright, I love Emmie Walson!" Yelled Buster in a slightly-drunken state as he sat on a nearby beanbag. "Yeah, because you saw her in a bra in Benefits of Being a Ceiling Flower," heckled Francine. "You're such a typical, sex-addicted boy."

"Hey now, she went to Grey University, and that's a great school in Rhode Island," retorted Buster as he crossed his arms.

Arthur laughed. "Buster, since when do you give a rat's ass about a great school?"

Buster thought about the question for moment, and then said, "Eh, you're right, Arthur. Yup, I like Emmie Walson's boobs and I'm not afraid to admit it." Buster then sat up quickly.

"What is it, Buster?" Asked Arthur.

Buster pulled out his phone and read a text. His eyes opened in fear. "Oh no! My mom is asking me to come home early tonight! She said she has to work late and I need to feed the cat!"

He stood up as he clinched his phone in disbelief. "Goddamn it, mom! Screw that cat! If I leave the party early, I'll never get enough booze in," Buster said in a combination of sadness and frustration. Arthur leaned over to his best friend. "Ya know, Buster, maybe this is a sign you should cool it on the drinking. You have been going pretty hard since senior year started."

By this point Muffy had Beauty and the Ugly up on the big screen. She turned around and faced Buster. "I agree with Arthur. Buster, you are turning into an alcoholic."

Buster, already loose with half a bottle of liquor, threw his phone on the floor in a frenzy. "That's bullshit, Muffy, and you know it! Since when has drinking become a problem in my life?"

Francine let out a laugh. "Buster, remember at Fern's party? You were so drunk that you almost stripped naked until Brain stopped you."

"Then you asked Fern to strip with you," added Muffy with a look of disgust.

"To Buster's credit, Fern did admit that she had the hots for Buster that night," said Arthur quietly. The two girls groaned.

"That incident at Fern's was a mistake! It could have happened to any one of us!" Buster exclaimed. "Besides, I failed our pre-calculus test and needed to blow off some steam!"

"Okay, one incident isn't enough? How about the time you tried to outdrink Binky and you drank so much that you threw up all over the floor of Binky's living room? Mrs. Barnes was pissed." Said Francine.

Buster dismissed the statement with his hand. "Eh, Binky passed out before me. I did win that competition."

"Another time, you convinced George to drink with you, and you two ended up handcuffed to each other with George's antlers busted through the windshield of your car." Muffy said.

"Oh c'mon! George needed someone to teach him the ropes for college," protested Buster.

"So how did you get handcuffed to him again?" Arthur asked sincerely.

"Umm…we were on a weird part of the internet, and then we came across some shady, pornographic -"

"Chips and dip, Miss Muffy," interrupted Bailey as he laid the platter of food on the table in front of the TV.

Muffy grabbed a chip and dipped it in the condiment. "Buster, the point is that drinking causes a lot of problems for you. Just have a few beers tonight, and relax."

Arthur nodded in agreement. "Then you can go home and feed your cat. Heck, then you could drink to your heart's desire at your place."

Buster sighed. "I get what you're saying, but my mom found my booze inventory. She threw it all away…that bitch!"

Muffy leaned across the table with a smile on her face. "Buster, you can take as much alcohol home as you want, since you're leaving early. It's on me."

Buster gave a weak smile. "Okay, I can do that," he said.

"Great! Now let's watch this movie!" Said Francine as she grabbed a handful of chips.


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3: A Party to Remember?

Muffy turned off her TV. "Well," she said, "Beauty and the Ugly was pretty good. I liked it more than some of the Henry Skreever movies."

Francine got up from her cushion on the floor. "For sure. The singing and dancing were the best part. It's amazing how well Emmie Walson sounded."

Buster, who fell asleep for the second half of the movie, suddenly woke up. "Emmie Walson? What?" he said as he rubbed his eyes. Then he stood up and stretched his arms. "Damn, Muffy, that booze from the limo worked some magic on me. I slept like a rock."

"That bottle costs almost a hundred dollars. It was distilled in Europe," stated Muffy with an edge of snobbery. Arthur rolled his eyes as he pulled out a rag to wipe his glasses.

Francine looked towards the door to the hallway. "Hey Muffy, did Bailey ever pick up our goods from the store?" she asked.

Muffy stood up and put her hands on her hips. "I don't know. Bailey never came back in here after dropping off the chips and dip."

"Let's go find him then," suggested Arthur. He finished cleaning his glasses and put them back on his face.

The four friends wandered over to Bailey's quarters. Muffy knocked on the closed door. "Bailey! Did you get our stuff?" she asked. The door opened slowly. Bailey, with his typical emotionless expression, said, "Yes, Miss Muffy. It is in my bedroom, so your daddy wouldn't find it." Muffy and the others walked into Bailey's small living room and waited for Bailey to retrieve the alcohol.

Bailey disappeared for a moment and returned to the living room with lots of grocery bags. The clinging sound of bottles hitting each other echoed. He set the loads down at Muffy's feet. "I didn't know what you preferred, Miss Muffy, so I grabbed a variety. Oh! And here is the beer." He led the group into his kitchenette, where a 55-gallon metal drum with a tap on top stood by the counter. The high schoolers stared in amazement.

Buster placed his hands on the barrel. "So. Much. Beer." He said dreamily.

Muffy smacked her hands together. "Nice work, Bailey! Once mommy and daddy leave for our weekend home in Crown City, bring the keg out into the living room."

"Yes, Miss Muffy."

"Alright, everybody. Grab a bag and let's go back to my bedroom." Muffy said as she picked up one full of vodka.

"Let's hope her parents don't run into us on the way there," Arthur whispered to Buster. Buster let out a laugh. "Arthur, the Crosswires aren't like our parents. They let Muffy get away with anything."

The four hurried back to Muffy's room. Besides the sound of clinging bottles, they were as quiet as possible. Once they got there, Muffy shut the door. "Awesome," she said. "Now we wait for the party. The catering business is already setting up in the main living room."

5:45pm. Arthur and his friends walked into the main living room. Tables were set up everywhere along the walls. Foods of all kinds were being placed there by the caterers. Sushi, lobster, escargot, lamb chops, you name it.

Buster walked over to one of the tables and dipped a strawberry into a chocolate fountain. "Man, I am gonna gain 50 pounds tonight," he said to himself as he threw the whole berry into his mouth.

Mr. and Mrs. Crosswire walked into the room. "Okay, Muffin. We're off to the weekend home," said Mr. Crosswire. "Everything looks extravagant!" said Mrs. Crosswire as she looked around. Muffy ran over to her parents and hugged them. "You two have fun! Don't worry about us, we are just going to eat, dance, and listen to music," she said as she winked at Francine. Francine giggled to herself.

"You kids have fun now. Remember, this is a Crosswire party, so it's going to be a blast," stated Mr. Crosswire with a proud smile. The four friends nodded, and the parents walked out of the room and out of the front door. Muffy put her hand to her ear. The sound of the front door opening and closing was heard.

"Hell yes! We are good to go!" she said excitedly. "Bailey, go get the bags from my bedroom and set them up on the booze table." Bailey, who was always near Muffy to grant her every command, went to go retrieve the alcohol.

Fifteen minutes later, people started to arrive. Muffy turned on the surround-sound speakers, and started playing party music. Solo cups began to get filled with liquor, wine, and beer as the guests stood around and enjoyed the fun.

Arthur and Buster, each with a cup in their hands, was standing by the Chinese food table. Buster already had a dozen fortune cookies. "What do you think of the beer?" asked Arthur as he munched on an egg role. Buster took a swig from his cup. "Oh, I'm not having beer. I'm having whiskey." Arthur laughed. "Just plain ol' whiskey? Drinking it like water?"

Buster smacked his lips together. "That's right, Arthur."

"Hey guys!"

The two turned around and saw Binky standing right there. Binky had two cups in his hands. "Buster, I wanna challenge you again to a drinking competition. You beat me last time and I'm going to win this time!" said Binky with a determined look on his face.

Buster's face went serious. "You're going down, Barnes!"

Arthur grabbed Buster's arm. "Buster, you said you were gonna chill tonight so you can go home and feed your cat."

Buster brushed off Arthur's hand. "That stupid cat can survive without food for a few more hours. I'm not going to let Binky tie up the series!" He finished off his cup. "Alright, Binky, let's start with fresh cups and see who the best man really is!"

Buster and Binky walked away to go get more alcohol. Arthur stood there, wondering how those two would get through college in one piece. He sipped on his beer, and pulled out his phone. A text from DW!

Hey, when are you going to be home tonight?

Why?

Cuz James is coming over ;)

I'll be home late. I better not find you two doing anything

Wear earplugs when you go upstairs

Arthur put his phone back in his pocket. Ever since DW and James started dating, she always had to remind Arthur how she was in a relationship. It was like she was mocking him for being single still as an 18-year-old. Arthur sighed, and looked around. Francine and Muffy were talking to Prunella, who finished her first year of college last week and was home for the summer. Rattles and Molly, also home from college, was telling stories to Binky and Buster. George was using his dummy Wally to make Jenna and Brain laugh. There were also some kids from Mighty Mountain that Muffy was friends with, but Arthur didn't know who they were. Basically, all his friends were there except…Sue Ellen! Where was she? Arthur looked around. He couldn't find her.

"Hey, Arthur!"

Arthur turned around, and there was Sue Ellen. She was smiling.

"Hey, Sue Ellen. Cool party huh?" asked Arthur.

Sue Ellen grabbed a cheese cube and threw it in her mouth. "Yeah, it's okay, I guess. Everyone is so obsessed with getting hammered tonight, it's really annoying," she said with a sigh. Arthur looked down at his beer, and laughed timidly. "Uh, yeah. Totally lame," he said ironically as he placed the cup on the nearby table.

"So, Arthur, there's something I want to talk to you about."

Arthur felt his heart race. Blood rushed to unwanted places as he placed his hands in his pocket. "Sure, what's up?" He asked as he wondered what she needed to say.

"Meet me at my house tomorrow at 3," she said quietly. "Come alone," she added with a playful wink. Arthur barely restrained a beaming smile. Sue Ellen wanted him to come alone to her house? That could only mean one thing…as he fantasized about Sue Ellen, she lightly shook him.

"Arthur? Did you hear what I said? You went blank," Sue Ellen said. Arthur snapped out of his daze and shook his head. "Sorry, yes I heard you. I'll be there." "Good," said Sue Ellen as she grabbed another cheese cube.

"Oh, and Arthur?"

"Yes?"

"All I ask is that you come open-minded. I think you're really gonna like it."

Sue Ellen gently brushed Arthur's shoulder with her hand, and walked away. Arthur's mind started racing with excitement. Open-minded about what? Fooling around with one of his friends? Maybe Sue Ellen wants to go all the way? Bring condoms?

Arthur snapped back into reality. He stared at Sue Ellen as she walked over to Francine, Muffy, and Prunella. "Man, her ass is looking really good," he thought to himself. Sue Ellen was wearing a tighter skirt. She looked so pretty. He always thought that, but never had the courage to act on it. Now it looks like he's going to have a chance to hit a homerun…

"Arthur!"

Arthur turned to Buster and Binky. He walked over to his two friends. "Don't tell me you guys need a referee for this stupid competition?" Arthur said indignantly. "Oh c'mon, Arthur, we just need an objective judge," Buster said. One of Buster's eyes were wandering. That always happened when Buster started to drink too much. Arthur sighed. "Alright. I'll keep an eye on the score. How much have you two drank so far?"

Binky pounded his big chest with pride. "Three beers already," he said.

Buster laughed in mockery. "I am up to four!"

Arthur's mouth opened. He couldn't believe it. He talked to Sue Ellen for a minute and these two had already chugged several beers! "You guys are nuts," he said with crossed arms.

Buster let out an obnoxious burp. "Come off it, Arthur. We're just having fun." He rubbed his belly in satisfaction. "This is better than sex," he added with a smile.

"Buster, you've never had sex," Arthur retorted.

"True, but I bet drinking is better still!" Buster responded as he started drinking the second cup of beer in his hands. Binky chuckled. "Yeah, without drinking, I'd have nothing to look forward to in college!" Brain walked over to the group.

"Binky, you should be anticipating the great learning opportunities college has to offer," said Brain. He had a glass of wine in his hand.

Binky grunted in disapproval. "Humph! High school was hard enough. College is going to suck besides the parties," he said. "Maybe I can meet some girls at the ballet classes, too."

The other three laughed. "Binky, most of the girls would think you're gay. Many boy ballerinas are," joked Buster. Arthur continued to chuckle. "Yeah, you might need to prove your heterosexuality!"

"Well. Well. Maybe I don't need to prove _my_ sexuality to anybody. It doesn't matter anyways!" said Binky as his massive hand crushed the empty cup it held. "I'm gonna get more beer! You're gonna lose this game, Buster!" Binky stomped off with his large, powerful legs.

Brain turned to Arthur and Buster. "You guys think Binky is insecure about his sexuality?" Asked Brain. The other two thought about it for a moment. "He seemed kinda defensive when I said that joke," said Buster, "Maybe he's in the closet?"

Arthur shook his head. "Binky? Gay? I don't think so. He's big and strong and tough."

"Arthur, being gay has nothing to with those qualities. He very well could be a homosexual," stated Brain.

"Yeah, I guess you're right," admitted Arthur as he looked at Binky. Binky was filling another solo cup at the keg. "But, if Binky is gay, why hasn't he told us? We're his best friends." Asked Buster. "Some parts of our culture are still getting use to openly gay people, Buster. It will just take Binky some time to feel comfortable enough to come out," said Brain.

The three friends stared at Binky as he filled his second cup of beer. "Poor, Binky…feeling trapped because of cultural norms. If only he could be gay and free…" said Buster solemnly. "Oh shit, I'm empty again!" Buster hurried over to the keg, leaving Arthur and Brain alone.

"So, I gotta know, Brain. How's it going with you and Fern?"

Brain looked at his glass of wine and let out a sigh. "I don't know, ever since she saw Buster strip at her party, she's been interested in him." Arthur half choked on his beer.

"Really? Buster isn't exactly a physical specimen."

"True, but she blushed so hard when he asked her to strip with him."

Arthur looked over at Fern. She was saying something to Sue Ellen. The two girls were giggling and glancing over towards Arthur and Brain. "Hey, Brain, look," Arthur nodded towards the girls. Brain looked over at them, then they turned away.

"See, Brain? I bet Fern is talking about you," said Arthur as he placed a congratulating hand on his friend. "She's probably describing all the things she wants to do with you!"

Brain turned back to Arthur. "Yeah right. She's probably mocking me for getting an A- in geography last year." Arthur rolled his eyes. "You gotta get over that stupid grade, man. It's your only A- of high school! What is your GPA now? 3.97?"

"3.98," stated Brain. "She probably thinks I'm too dumb for her…" His face was full of despair. Arthur finished his beer and cleared his throat. "No, Brain," he said. "You're gonna get with Fern, tonight! C'mon!"

Arthur grabbed Brain and pulled him towards Fern and Sue Ellen. "Arthur, forget it! She's probably wanting Buster!" Cried Brain as he resisted Arthur. "Bullshit, she was drunk at that party, it doesn't mean anything," responded Arthur as he dragged his friend across the room.

Fern and Sue Ellen watched as Arthur half-threw, half-placed Brain in front of them.

"Arthur, why are you dragging Brain around like that?" Asked Fern.

Arthur turned to Brain. "Because he doesn't want to socialize, and he needs to," responded Arthur. He pushed Brain closer to Fern. Brain tried to avoid eye contact with her. Sue Ellen and her giggled.

"Brain, is something wrong?" Fern asked with a concerned look on her face. "You're sweating too," commented Sue Ellen.

Brain took a breath, straightened himself up, and looked at Fern. "I'm just…just…" he stuttered as he tried to find words. "Just what, Brain?" said Fern.

Arthur put his mouth up to Brain's ear: "Don't be such a bitch, just tell her how you feel. This has been going on way too long," he whispered. Brain turned to Arthur. "You're right…" he whispered back. Fern and Sue Ellen waited as the two boys had their awkward conversation.

"Hello, Brain?" said Fern, causing Brain to return eye contact with her. "If you don't want to talk, that's fine. I just you feel better," Fern said with compassion. Brain's heart began to race. "Fern," he began, "I need to tell you something." He looked at Arthur and Sue Ellen. They took the cue, and walked away.

Fern moved closer to Brain. He could smell her now. She smelled so good! She had no straps on! Was she braless? Brain's mind raced as he stared into Fern's eyes.

"Yes, Brain? I'm listening," she whispered, making sure no one else was listening in on their discussion.

Brain took one more deep breath. "I know you probably like Buster, and that's okay…I just want you to know that I…that I…" his stuttering began again.

"That you what, Brain?"

"I wanna fuck your brains out!" Blurted out Brain. His eyes widened in shock and he covered his mouth with both hands. Fern gasped. Brain felt his stomach hit his shoes. "No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. I mean, I do wanna fuck your brains out, but I'm so nervous. It came out wrong! I really respect and like you!" continued Brain in desperation. Fern didn't say anything. Her face went blank.

There was an awkward silence for a moment. Brain looked at Fern, hoping she would respond in his favor. "So…," he said, "Do you wanna go out with -" SMACK! Fern's hand shot out from her side like a cannon and struck Brain's face with the force of a .44 magnum. Brain yipped in pain. "You're an animal, Alan Powers!" she said. Brain held the side of his face. A massive red handprint was on his cheek. "I'm sorry, oh forgive me!" Begged Brain. He got on his knees and held his cupped hands at her. Fern was red with anger. "I may like Buster, but I liked you more! I thought you were a gentleman! I was wrong!"

Arthur saw the incident and ran over to them. "What the hell, Fern? You just slapped Brain!" Arthur said as he helped Brain to his feet. "Arthur, your friend has no respect for me or my body," Fern said indignantly. Brain was looking at the floor in defeat. Fern stormed off in tears towards Muffy, Francine, Prunella, and Sue Ellen. The girls surrounded her and comforted her as she bawled.

"I blew it, Arthur," Brain said sadly. Arthur turned Brain away from the gossiping girls. "Don't worry about it. You'll meet a great girl at Crown City University," said Arthur. The two walked over to Binky and Buster, who at this point probably had their fill of beer.

"Yo Brain! The fuck happened to your face?" laughed Binky. Buster began to laugh hysterically. "Brain, did you get bitch-slapped?" Cried Buster as he held his side with one hand and tried to keep the beer from spilling on the other. Brain sat down and put his head in between his hands. "Fern's never going to talk to me again. I can solve any school problem, but it comes to girls I suck cock big time!" Brain said.

Binky slugged down his beer. "Suck cock? Hey, I do that too!" The other three boys looked at Binky. Buster began to laugh again. "I told you Binky was gay!" roared Buster as he poured another beer. Binky threw his cup on the ground. "Shut up, Buster! I was only kidding!"

Buster began to imitate giving a blow job with his hands. "Who's the special boyfriend, Binky?" teased Buster. Binky looked rattled. "Well, so what if I'm gay, huh? There's nothing wrong with that!" Binky responded as he clenched his fist in Buster's face.

"Guys, knock it off," Arthur said and he turned towards Brain. "Brain, c'mon, let's just go back to my house. We can watch TV and not think about Fern." Arthur held out his hand to help Brain out of the chair.

"Thanks, it really means a lot," Brain said and let out a weak smile.

All of a sudden, Arthur and Brain heard a loud crash. Buster had knocked over the liquor table. Alcohol was everywhere. Muffy screamed in horror as she watched her luxurious floor get soaked with liquid. "Take that, you homophobic asshole!" Yelled Binky. Buster struggled to get up as everyone gathered around.

Muffy ran up to Binky and Buster. "What the hell! You idiots pick this up right now!" she demanded with her hands on her hips.

Buster, who was shaken up, grabbed an unopened beer bottle from the ground and chucked it at Binky's face. It smashed Binky square in the forehead. "Shit!" Binky said, as Buster began to take off. "Come back here, you motherfucker!" Binky began to chase Buster out of the room. The rest of the partiers hurried to catch them.

Buster ran up the stairs to the overhang right above the main door. Binky charged after him. Buster then noticed he was cornered. He frantically looked around for an escape. As Binky closed in, Buster made a decision. He climbed on the railing and leaped on top of the chandelier that the group had admired earlier that day.

Muffy almost passed out. "Get off my daddy's chandelier, Buster!" Roared Muffy. Binky stopped at the railing and eyed Buster, who was swinging uncontrollably on the chandelier. "You can't get me now penis breath!" Cheered Buster at Binky. "Besides, I drank more beers. I win again!"

Binky pounded the railing. "This competition isn't done yet! We still got the rest of the night to prove who's better! Now c'mon here!" Binky climbed on the railing and leaped onto the chandelier. Everyone gasped in shock as they saw Buster and Binky swinging from the massive decoration. Binky grabbed Buster by the collar. "I'm not even that drunk," Binky said.

All of a sudden, everybody looked up at the ceiling, where the chandelier was attached. A cracking sound was heard, and then SCHLIK! The massive chain detached from the ceiling and the whole structure came falling to the ground. BOOM! There was a loud crash and some people let out yells. Thousands of shards of gems, crystals, and stones rolled all over the floor.

Muffy was speechless. She stared at the destroyed chandelier. Francine ran up to her. "Muffy! Are you okay?" she asked. Muffy's eyes rolled towards the back of her head, and she passed out cold as Francine caught her. Francine looked at Buster and Binky, who appeared to be okay.

"Oh shit, they fucked!" Rang Wally, George's dummy.

Arthur and Brain ran over to Buster and Binky. Buster had a cut on his forehead, and Binky was holding his wrist. "Damn, that was awesome!" said Buster as he stood up from the rubble. "I think I broke my wrist!" cried Binky as he managed to stand up as well.

"I hope you guys are happy," said Arthur sourly.

"It was an accident!" protested Buster.

"An accident?" Roared Francine as she lay Muffy's limp body on the ground. "You two had to see who has the bigger dick and now look!" She pointed towards the annihilated chandelier. "A chandelier that costs more than both your homes put together is ruined!"

"I still won, Binky," said Buster as he put his hand on the cut.

Francine called off the party, and everyone scuffled out the mansion. By this point, Bailey had heard the news, though with no expression on his face as usual. Arthur and Brain took their two drunk buddies to the hospital to treat their battle wounds. Francine and Bailey carried Muffy to her bedroom and placed her on the bed. "Here Muffy," said Francine softly as she placed a cold, wet rag on Muffy's forehead. Muffy's eyes opened.

"Daddy is gonna kill me," she said. Tears began to run down her face.

"You didn't do anything wrong, Muffy," Francine replied. "It was those two fuckers Buster and Binky. Trust me, your dad will make them pay."

"Shall I call your parents, Miss Muffy?" asked Bailey.

Muffy leaned up and sighed. "Yes, Bailey. I guess they're gonna find out sooner or later."

At the hospital, nurses patched up Buster's cut. They struggled to keep him still, because supposedly he was so ticklish at the moment. After a few moments, the doctor let Buster return to Arthur and Brain. Binky was sent to get an X-ray on his wrist, and the other three waited in the waiting room.

"Buster, you never cease to amaze me," said Arthur.

"Yeah, Buster, you are crazy," added the Brain.

Buster, who was becoming sober, put his head in between his hands. "Mr. Crosswire is going to strip me of every penny I got to repay for that chandelier," he muttered in despair. "He might forgive you," said Arthur as he looked at Brain for support. "Oh yeah, Buster, Mr. Crosswire can be pretty understanding," said Brain. Buster looked up at his two friends. "You both know I'm fucked," he stated. "Yup, basically," agreed the other two.

A little while later, the doctor walked up to them. "Well, gentlemen, your friend Binky indeed has a broken wrist. We put him in a cast though. Should be good to go in a couple of weeks," said the doctor.

Binky then came out into the waiting room with a mad face. "My parents are gonna kill me," he said as he looked at his cast. "They're gonna take away my driver's license, my TV time, my computer…" he continued on and on as the four friends walked out of the hospital. By the time they got to Brain's car, Arthur told Binky to can it. Everyone got in. No one said a word.

"Still got a flask if anyone is thirsty!" said Buster out of nowhere.

"NO!" responded everyone else in unison, and they drove off.


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4: A Strange Proposition

Brain's car pulled up to Binky's house. Binky got out of the car and was muttering curse words under his breath. "Fuckin' beer, goddamn chandelier…ouch! My wrist! Fuckin ass shit cock dick…." Arthur rolled down the window and called to Binky. "Hey Binky, it's all going to be alright, okay?" Binky turned around and flipped off his friend. "I'll see you boys in hell!" he called sarcastically, and let out a strange laugh of insanity. "He's gone mad," Brain said quietly.

Next was Buster's apartment. As the car pulled up front, Buster began to cry hysterically. "My cat is probably dead by now! And that chandelier! My mom is going to take away my fleshlight, my cigarettes, my flask! Not my flask!" He dramatically pulled his flask out of his jacket pocket.

Arthur turned around from the front seat. "Buster, chill out. Your mom knows you drink and I bet the cat is just fine." All of a sudden, Bitzi Baxter opened the apartment door and stepped outside. "BUSTER BAXTER where the hell have you been!" she shrieked. Buster sank down into his seat. "Well, at least she hasn't checked my computer's history…"

"And you better explain these websites I found on your laptop!" Bitzi yelled. "Yup, that's one pissed MILF," commented Brain as he looked at Bitzi standing there like a bull ready to charge. Buster sat up. "She's not a MILF! She's a very nice lady," defended Buster. Arthur laughed. "Dude, half the guys in school have asked me if your mom needs a 'pool boy'." Brain tried to hide his chuckle but failed miserably.

Buster opened the car door and got out. "Shut up, guys. Cross your fingers. I'm about to get a can of whoop ass opened on my face."

Brain and Arthur laughed even harder. "You never said she was into incest!" Brain called to Buster. Buster turned around with a red face. "It wasn't supposed to be sexual! At least I get farther with a girl than just seeing her cameltoe!" He then let out a laugh and pointed at Brain.

Brain's eyes narrowed. "He makes out with Maria once and thinks he's Hugh Hefner," he said to Arthur. Arthur was still looking at Buster as he walked up to Bitzi with his head hung low. "Yeah, Buster is in some deep shit now," said Arthur. As Brain's car drove off, the two riders looked in the rear-view mirrors. Bitzi was chewing out Buster. She was wildly waving her arms and pointing a finger at Buster. Arthur turned his eyes back to the road.

"Brain, I'm really sorry about Fern tonight," said Arthur.

Brain shook his head and let out a sigh. "Thanks Arthur, but it's okay. You're right. I'll meet some great girl next year in college."

Arthur softly fist-bumped his friend's shoulder. "Yeah, and maybe you can finally get some of that booty!"

Brain laughed. "If my calculations are correct, my odds of getting laid are much higher in college than they are now, assuming the variables were correct."

After a few minutes, the car pulled up to the Read residence. Arthur got out of the car. "Thanks for the lift, Brain," he said over his shoulder. "No problem, see you later," called Brain, and he drove off.

Arthur looked at his house. No lights were on. "Whew, everyone must be asleep," he told himself as he walked to the back door of the house. He walked into the mud room, and breathed heavily on his hand then smelled it. "Nope, can't smell alcohol," Arthur thought to himself with a proud smile. He took off his shoes and walked upstairs to his room. When he got to the top of the stairs, he heard a noise. It was coming from DW's room! Arthur crept up to the closed door and placed his ear against it. He listened for a moment and considered the possibilities. "These sounds can mean only one thing," he thought. "James is in there with her." Arthur took a deep breath, opened the door quickly, and turned on the light.

Arthur stared at the horrendous and atrocious sight. DW and James were half naked making out on her bed! DW saw Arthur and pulled the blanket to cover her and James. Arthur crossed his arms. "So, DW, do mom and dad know James is here?"

DW laughed nervously, pulled the blanket down, and looked at James, who was shaking in fear of being caught by DW's parents. "Um, well, not technically, no," DW began, "but I figured if you were having fun tonight, then I could too!"

Arthur shook his head. "DW, you're 14. I'm an adult. You're too young to be sneaking boys into your room past midnight." DW's face went stern. "James is not just some boy. He's my boyfriend! And for your information, Arthur Timothy Read, that means I'm in a relationship. At least James likes me. Sue Ellen probably thinks you're a weenie with a micro penis."

Arthur scowled. "Sue Ellen? I don't like Sue Ellen!"

DW laughed. "Yeah right. You've been into her since she moved here," she said smugly.

James peeked out from under the blanket. "I think Sue Ellen is pretty hot, Arthur. I don't blame you for liking her," James said sheepishly. DW turned to James. "Shut up, James! I'm your woman, and I'm the only one you can call 'hot'!" "Yes ma'am!" replied James as he hid back under the covers.

DW turned back to Arthur. "Please don't tell Mom and Dad!" she begged. Arthur turned around and looked at his parents' bedroom door. "Hmm…I don't know, DW, I think they would love to show some hospitality to your late-night guest," said Arthur. DW got out of her bed and put a shirt on. "Listen, I got cash from babysitting," DW said as she walked over to her purse on the dresser. She pulled out some bills and walked up to her brother. "See? $25. It's yours if you don't tell Mom and Dad," she said with a convincing smile on her face. Arthur grabbed the money from his sister's hand. "Deal!" he said as he shut the door and walked back to his own bedroom, where he placed the cash on his desk. He took off his glasses, got into his pajamas, and crawled into bed. "Damn, what a night," he said softly to himself. "I can't believe I'm hooking up with Sue Ellen tomorrow." He smiled. Then came a few yawns, and Arthur drifted off to sleep.

Arthur opened his eyes and glanced at his alarm clock. 9:13am. He stretched out his arms and let out a big yawn. The morning sunlight had pierced through the shades on his window. Arthur grabbed his glasses and put them on. His room was a mess. There were clothes all over the floor. His trashcan was overflowing. His closet had old toys spilling out from it. "I need to clean up a little," he muttered as he climbed out of bed. He turned on the light, and began to pick stuff up off the floor. His laundry basket was right near his dresser. He picked up a shirt and smelled it. "Hm, this smells clean," he said, and walked over to the dresser. Right away, he noticed something. His underwear drawer was slightly opened! He opened the drawer and glared at what he saw. The bottle was gone! His bottle of vodka was gone! He threw down the shirt and stormed into DW's room. James was gone.

"DW! I know you took my bottle!" Arthur said as he shook his sister awake. She slowly opened her eyes and rubbed them. "What bottle?" she said sleepily. Arthur shook her again. "My bottle of…you know, stuff that kids shouldn't drink!"

DW sat up in confusion. "You mean alcohol? I don't like that stuff! I didn't take it," she said as she climbed out of bed. "By the way, thanks for waking me up, asshole."

Arthur's stomach turned to stone. "Oh shit," he said and turned to walk downstairs. As he walked into the kitchen, his mom was coloring with Kate. Mrs. Read turned to Arthur with an angry look. "Arthur," she began. Arthur put his hands up in surrender. "I know, I know, Mom. I'm sorry, it won't happen again."

"You know curfew is midnight. I heard you come in after 1," she said.

Arthur looked at her with surprise, then delight. "Oh yeah, yup. Sorry about that, lost track of time at the party!" he quickly said, and walked out of the kitchen. He headed for the garage. "If Mom and DW didn't take it, that means…" he heard his dad humming cheerfully in the garage kitchen. Arthur opened the door and looked at his dad, who was busy spreading frosting onto some cookies. Mr. Read noticed his son watching him.

"Good morning, Arthur! How was the party?" asked Mr. Read.

Arthur didn't get it. Wouldn't his own father be mad for finding alcohol in his room? Arthur walked up to table where his dad was cooking. "Um, it was a lot of fun, Dad," Arthur said. Mr. Read put down the cookies and wiped his hands with a wash rag. "Well, what did you do? You got home really late last night," said Mr. Read. Arthur gulped. "He knows I was drinking! He probably heard about the chandelier, about Fern slapping Brain, about Sue Ellen!" Arthur thought as he looked down at the floor.

"Arthur? What did you do last night?" repeated Mr. Read.

Arthur remade eye contact with his dad and cleared his throat. "Just watched movies and played some arcade games. You know Muffy, always has the coolest toys," said Arthur as he carefully watched for a negative response.

"Arthur, I know you're not telling me the whole truth," Mr. Read said as he started reading a recipe card. Arthur knew it. He was cornered now. "Dad," he began.

Mr. Read held up his hand. "Say no more, son. I understand."

Arthur perked up. "You do?"

Mr. Read put down the recipe card and smiled. "Yes, I do. I was a senior in high school once. And let me tell you, my friends called me the Beast from the East."

"Uh, what?"

"The Beast from the East. I could outdrink anybody. And I could get with the ladies too, if you know what I mean," Mr. Read said with a wink and a chuckle. "One time your mom and I had a fight, so I banged this smoking hot babe. What was her name? Oh yeah! Anna!"

Arthur almost fell over in surprise. His own father was a partier? And a slayer of women?

"Dad, are you serious?"

Mr. Read crossed his arms and closed his eyes. "Oh yes, David Read could destroy any bottle, and any pussy, for that matter. One time, your mom and I tried this sex position I learned from a magazine and -"

"DAD!" Arthur interrupted.

"Oops, sorry," Mr. Read said, as he chuckled again with satisfaction.

"So, I'm guessing you found my bottle of booze in my underwear drawer?" asked Arthur. Mr. Read nodded. "I was putting away your laundry, and saw the bottle. I was thirsty and said, 'what the hell? I'll drink it!' Hope you don't mind. By the way, you gotta find a better spot than that. I had a secret compartment behind a poster in my wall when I was your age. Took me days to construct that thing…"

Arthur couldn't believe it. He never knew this about his dad. "Dad?"

"Yes?"

"Can I ask you for some advice?" Arthur hesitated to go in this direction, but he was too afraid to bring anything up to his friends, especially Buster, who had a tendency to blurt out secrets at inconvenient times.

Mr. Read smacked his hands together, as if ready to strategize a great plan. "Son! If it's about Sue Ellen, I got everything you need to know." He pointed to his head and winked.

"How did you know about -"

"I've seen you checking out that feline for years, Arthur. At every school gathering with parents, you're watching that ass." Said Mr. Read. "Oh, and you suck at trying to hide it, doesn't take a Sherlock Holmes to figure that one out," he added as he tasted a morsel of the frosting.

Arthur put his head on the table. "If you know, Dad, everyone else probably knows too."

Mr. Read took off his apron and walked over to his son. He placed his hand on Arthur's shoulder. "Arthur, don't worry about a thing. So, everyone in Elwood City knows you wanna rail Sue Ellen Armstrong. Big deal. Trust me, I've been through worse. One time, I streaked down Main Street when I was drunk. Everyone saw the Dick That Every Girl Would Pick."

Arthur looked up at his dad. "Did you really call your dick that?"

Mr. Read conveniently coughed, then continued: "The point is, you need a few tricks up your sleeve. It's all about the reads, no pun intended."

"Argh, Dad! Okay, so what do you mean by tricks?"

Mr. Read leaned up against the table and put his hand to his chin. "Hmm…in your case…how about this? Next time you're alone with Sue Ellen, look for three key things."

"Three things?"

"Yes, three things. Number one: if she asked you to come up to her room, or into her car, or something similar, there's a sign."

"Well, she did invite me over to her house later today…"

"Perfect! Okay, Number two: she sits on the bed and invites you to sit on the bed with her. And Number Three…this one is trickier to recognize."

"What, Dad! What's Number Three?"

"She's wearing a matching bra and panties. If you can spot this one, you're about to enter the Porkin' City, baby!" Mr. Read raised a fist in the air triumphantly. Arthur carefully considered his dad's advice. "Dad," said Arthur, "Do those things really mean she's into me?"

"Well that means _you_ 'll be "into her", literally!" Mr. Read started laughing and he slapped his knees. "Oh, David Read, you sure are the best comedian around," Mr. Read confidently said to himself. Arthur shook his head. "Okay, thanks, Dad. I'll look out for those three signs when I go to her house later today." He started out of the garage.

"Oh, Arthur!"

Arthur turned around to see his dad holding up a small object. "Take a condom! I always carry one in my wallet, just in case. You should too!" Mr. Read threw the condom pack at Arthur. Arthur caught it, and wondered what his dad meant by "just in case." "If dad's cheating on mom with some skank, I'll pull his tonsils out through his armpits," Arthur said to himself as he headed inside.

As he opened the back door, a thought hit him. "Everyone always says Bitzi Baxter was a MILF…and dad carries around condoms and claims he could screw any girl…OH NO! Dad is banging Bitzi!" Thought Arthur in horror.

"Arthur? Are you okay?"

Arthur snapped out of his thoughts and saw his mom standing there with a concerned look. "I'm fine, Mom, just waking up still," lied Arthur as he headed upstairs.

"What did you need to talk to your father about?" called Mrs. Read after Arthur.

Arthur stopped dead in his tracks and turned around. "Just about college life, you know…professors, 3 hour exams, that sort of stuff." He gave a nervous laugh and tried to remain calm. Mrs. Read gave a suspicious look. "Oh. Alright. What are your plans for today?"

"Going over to Sue Ellen's house this afternoon…" Arthur said slowly. He hoped and prayed his mom would stop talking to him so he could strategize in his room.

"Sue Ellen? She's such a nice girl. And so pretty too! If you need any advice, just come talk to me. I know all about girls, if you know what I mean." Mrs. Read laughed a little at her own words.

"Uh, okay. Thanks, Mom!" Arthur raced upstairs. "What the hell did she mean by that last sentence? My parents are so bizarre," he thought to himself as he shut his bedroom door. He looked at his alarm clock. 9:31am. "In a few short hours, I'll be doing the dirty business with one hot cat!" Arthur said as he continued the chore of picking up his room.

2:50pm. Arthur was dressed in some nicer clothes. He had put on his cologne, shaved, and brushed his teeth again for the fourth time today. As he stood in the bathroom mirror looking at himself, he felt his heartbeat. It was racing. "Breath, Arthur," he said quietly to himself. "In less than half an hour, you'll finally be a man." He puffed up his chest, flexed his bicep, and then walked out of the bathroom and out of the house.

Since his mom had to run errands, Arthur was forced to ride his bike. He pedaled faster than usual. As he rode along the street, he kept nervously glancing at his watch. 2:54pm. 2:55pm. Being late was the last thing he wanted to do. "I can't keep my woman waiting!" he thought to himself as he crossed onto another road. Finally, he arrived at Sue Ellen's house. He looked at his watch: 2:59pm. "Perfect timing. Damn, you're about to get some pussy," Arthur told himself as he parked his bike by the front porch.

He walked up to the front door, and looked at his watch. 15 more seconds…he quickly checked himself over to make sure there was nothing wrong with his outfit. Still looking good. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. "Showtime," he said under his breath, and rang the doorbell. He waited for a few moments, then he heard footsteps coming down the stairs. The door opened. There was Sue Ellen, standing there with a big smile on her face. "Arthur! Come on in!" She held the door opened as he sheepishly walked in.

Sue Ellen's house was covered with lots of exotic artifacts. With her dad being a diplomat, she had lived all over the world. Masks, vases, weapons, coins, you name it. From every continent, too. Arthur looked around, trying to act like he was admiring her house, even though there was a hurricane raging inside of him.

"Wanna come upstairs to my room? My parents are in LA for a diplomat conference, but it will be comfier up there," said Sue Ellen as she headed up the stairs. "Uh, sure," said Arthur quietly, as he followed her. "Number One down," he thought to himself, "I can't believe Dad might actually be right."

Sue Ellen opened her bedroom door up and walked in. "It's kinda messy, but I figured as an upcoming college kid you'd understand," she said with a laugh. Arthur laughed too, but it sounded rather fake. "You've been in my room before, haven't you?" asked Sue Ellen as she watched Arthur look around. "Oh yeah, a couple of times over the years," replied Arthur as he checked out the various postures and exotic pieces.

"You know, it's crazy to think we've known each other for over a decade now," said Sue Ellen as she sat on her bed. "Yeah, it is crazy," said Arthur as he awkwardly stood there. Sue Ellen laughed again. "Arthur, come sit down," she patted the spot next to her with her hand. Arthur's heart skipped a beat. "Number Two!" he thought to himself, "I'm almost to Porkin' City!"

Arthur walked over to the bed, and stopped. "Uh, Sue Ellen?" he began. He pointed to her bed. Sue Ellen looked where he was pointing: "Oh sorry, Arthur!" She quickly picked up the bra and panties that were next to her. Arthur almost had an aneurism: the bra and panties were matching! They were both blue! "Number Three! Well, almost Number Three. She's not wearing them, but hell, I'll take it," he thought as he sat down next to her.

Sue Ellen threw the articles of clothing on the floor. "Gotta love Veronica's Secret," she said with a laugh. Arthur blushed. Sue Ellen turned to him. "So, Arthur, I need to talk to you about something," she said with sincerity. Arthur was waiting for the magic words: "let's fuck."

"Arthur? Are you listening?" asked Sue Ellen.

Arthur snapped back into reality. "Yes, sorry, I'm listening."

Sue Ellen looked at her fingers as she nervously fiddled with them. Arthur noticed. "She's nervous too!" he thought. "That's okay, two virgins can still figure out which part goes where."

"Arthur, we've been pretty close friends for over 10 years now…"

"Yes, true."

Sue Ellen was still looking at her hands. "Well, we have always trusted each other, and I felt like we can tell each other anything, right?"

Arthur felt blood rushing to certain places. He started to feel a little dizzy. "Yeah of course," he said. "You can trust me with anything," he added, then realized how stupid that probably sounded.

Sue Ellen stopped looking at her hands and looked at Arthur. She put her hand onto his hand. Arthur knew it! That was the breaking point! "I'm going in!" Arthur thought. He moved in to kiss Sue Ellen. "Hallelujah" was echoing in his head.

"Arthur! What are you doing!" Sue Ellen put her hand up to her mouth before Arthur's lips reached them. Arthur pulled back. "Fuck…goddamn it!" he thought, "I blew it just like Brain!"

Sue Ellen's face went even more serious. "Arthur, I'm sorry, but I have to remain celibate."

"Celibate?" asked Arthur with a slight squeak in his voice.

Sue Ellen nodded. "Yes, celibate. I wanted to tell you that I'm going to live in Tibet and study to become a Buddhist nun. I know you were raised Christian, but I wanted you to come with me."

Arthur was shocked. Tibet? Buddhist nun? Come with Sue Ellen? His stomach did a somersault and landed somewhere in his throat.

"You want me to come with you?" he asked.

"Yes. But I understand if you don't want to. I want a friend there too, who can learn the culture, religion, and language alongside me."

Arthur couldn't believe what he was hearing. "So…that means we can't have sex?"

Sue Ellen laughed yet again, which made Arthur angry. "No, nuns must remain celibate, Arthur. I must prepare myself for a life of learning Buddha's ways." She pointed towards a miniature statue of Buddha on her dresser. "I thought about going to college, but decided that I was destined to live a life of enlightenment, meditation, and martial arts."

Arthur stood up, and turned to face his friend. "Sue Ellen, I'm flattered you asked me, but I can't go to Tibet! I'm going to Elwood City Community College next year! I got all my classes lined up and everything!"

Sue Ellen's expression remained stable. "I know, Arthur. I just thought I'd ask…you are one of my best friends, and I knew you would understand my calling."

Arthur tried to look like he wasn't mad. Sue Ellen dragged his ass to her house, all alone, brought him up to her bedroom, showed off her matching bra and panties, sat him on the bed, and then confessed to becoming a celibate Buddhist nun? Celibate?!

"Arthur, please don't be upset. I know you've always liked me," confessed Sue Ellen with a smile. "If truth be known, I've always liked you too, but it looks like our lives are taking separate courses."

"Yeah, I guess so…" said Arthur softly as he looked at his feet. "Well, I'm happy for you. I hope you find peace as you live in Tibet and embrace a new lifestyle."

Arthur started out of her bedroom, then, "Arthur, wait!" Arthur turned around and felt Sue Ellen's lips pressed against his. She wrapped her arms around him, and he wrapped his arms around her. Sue Ellen smelled so good, and she was so beautiful. They kissed for a few moments, then Sue Ellen let go. "There, consider that our goodbye," she whispered.


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER 5: Could Have Been Worse

Later that night, Arthur and his buddies were at Brain's house in Brain's bedroom.

"…So then we made out for a few seconds and that was it," said Arthur as he finished telling his story to Brain, Buster, and Binky. The three stared at their aardvark friend. "What? What do you guys think? Coulda been much worse," said Arthur as he waited for cheers and congratulations.

"HAHAHAHAHA" went Brain, Buster, and Binky. Arthur crossed his arms. "What's so funny? I still got to make out with Sue Ellen," he said indignantly.

Buster was rolling on the ground, dying of laughter: "Arthur, she cock-blocked you, dude! She probably made the whole thing up so she wouldn't have to bang you!"

Binky held his sides as he laughed hysterically. "Yeah, Arthur, did you really think Sue Ellen was going to take her panties off for you?"

Brain was slapping his knee again and again. "Arthur, aardvarks can't fuck cats! That's interspecies mating!"

The three friends laughed even louder from Brain's comment. Arthur sat there patiently for his idiot friends to hush up their antics. After about a minute, Brain collected himself. "Okay, okay, Arthur, we're just messing with you," he said.

"So…you guys are proud of me or what?"

Buster was wiping tears from his eyes. "Of course, Arthur. I just gotta ask one thing: did she cough up a hairball from licking her hairy pussy all day?" He burst out laughing again, and so did the other two. Binky gave Buster a high-five. Brain knuckle-pounded him. Arthur stood up and pointed at his three out-of-control friends. "You guys are just jealous because I got to make out with one of the hottest girls in school!" he said.

The three laughing buddies immediately stopped in silence. Buster turned away from Brain and Binky and looked at Arthur. He then sighed, with his long ears drooped. "Yeah, you're right, Arthur…the best I could do is Maria, and I think Muffy paid her so I could feel better about myself."

Binky chuckled. "Muffy paid Maria to make out with you? That's rich."

Buster turned to Binky with an annoyed look on his face. "I said, 'I think', which is something you suck at, Binky Barnes!"

"Guys, guys, stop it," interfered Brain. "Arthur, I'm sorry Sue Ellen threw a curve-ball at you, but hey, you gave it your best shot."

Buster and Binky nodded in agreement. "Sue Ellen is so modest, I'm a little surprised she just grabbed you and kissed you," admitted Binky.

Buster snickered. "Yeah, because Muffy and Francine have no problem showing off their bodies with the clothes they wear!"  
"But Sue Ellen? She's always been the purest and nicest little thing," added Brain.

Arthur sat back down and smiled. "I suppose you guys are right," he said, "I can't help it if Sue Ellen's life decisions prevents me from getting freaky with her."

Buster stood up energetically. "That's right, Arthur! You were ready, but the gods of love said, 'not so fast, Arthur Read, Sue Ellen is wearing the belt of chastity now!" The other three laughed, then Arthur felt his phone vibrate. He pulled it out of his pocket. A text from DW.

"Hold up, guys, DW just texted me…" said Arthur as he read the message.

Mom says be home by midnight…or else. Btw, why does Dad keep talking about the

Beast from the East? What's that? Mom keeps giggling when he says it.

Arthur just laughed to himself, and responded, "idk".

"Buster, Binky, whatever happened with the chandelier and all?" asked Arthur as he put his phone away. Buster and Binky looked at each other, then at Arthur. "Mr. Crosswire says we have to wash all the cars at his business for the whole summer!" exclaimed Buster. "Yeah," added Binky, "And we won't even get paid so he can buy a new chandelier!"

Arthur and Brain started laughing. "You guys were hilarious!" said Brain. "I can't believe Muffy passed out cold either!" Arthur added in between laughs. Buster and Binky shrugged their shoulders and started again laughing too.

"Alan! Please keep it down! Your father and I are trying to sleep!" called Brain's mother from the hallway. "Sorry, Mom!" said Brain. He then looked at his three friends. "Gentlemen," he began, "Buster won the first competition, and I'd consider the second game to be a draw since it ended so abruptly. So that means -" "I need to tie up the series!" barged in Binky with a fist in the air. "Exactly, Binky," replied Brain. He got up and walked over to his desk door. He then pulled out several bottles of liquor. "Who wants to go first?" asked Brain. Arthur started chuckling, and he and Brain watched in anticipation as Buster and Binky fought to the death to become king of the booze.


End file.
